Why Churches Need to Address Domestic Violence
Domestic violence can be present in any congregation - regardless of gender, age, income, race, denomination or relationship type. It is a pattern of power and control-not a single argument or a "rough patch" in a marriage. Abuse may be physical and sexual, or emotional; financial or digital; spiritual or some combination thereof.
When a church receives the report of abuse, the first priority is safety-not reconciliation. Pastors and church leaders should listen with care, keep the information confidential, and connect the victim or survivor with domestic-violence advocates who have the training to help develop a safety plan.
Examples of Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is not always obvious or physical. It may involve actions to isolate, frighten, dominate or silence another person.
Some typical forms are:
- Physical or sexual violence, including threats of harm
- Emotional abuse – verbal assaults such as humiliation, threats, or withholding affection
- Financial control or denial of money or employment
- Digital abuse, including placing a tracker on a phone or monitoring messages
- Spiritual abuse: using Scripture, prayer, or church authority to coerce silence or submission
Make no assumptions about a survivor's safety just because she does not show signs of physical injury.
How to Respond When Someone Discloses Abuse
A quiet, confidential, loving response can be life-changing. Don't make the survivor defend themselves or try to minimize the abuse, ask what they did to encourage the abuse.
Helpful steps include:
- Find a quiet spot to talk and to listen, non-judgementally
- Make it clear that the abuse is not your fault as a survivor
- Inquire if they are able to go home and if children are secure.
- Connect them with a domestic-violence advocate for safety planning.
- Do not pressure them to leave or stay but accept the decisions they make.
- Do not reveal personal information and only share it with permission or when required to do so by law
In cases of immediate danger to anyone, please call the emergency line immediately.
Why Couples Counseling Can Be Unsafe
Many pastors will unknowingly jump into marriage counseling, but this is not an effective response when abuse exists. Abuse is not a problem couples have together, but an issue of one controlling the other. A joint session may provide the abuser with ammunition they can use to assault their partner.
Meet with the elder jointly with the church rather than in meetings with the church and mediation:
- Personal care and support for the victim
- A different referral route for the person causing the harm
- Substance-focused interventions and treatment programs
- Defined areas of participation and authority within the church.
You can be safe in the room and unsafe at home.
Identify Higher-Risk Scenarios
Some warning signs may signal a higher risk of harm and warrant immediate assistance. These warning signs are:- Access to a gun- Previous threats with a weapon- Separation from a controlling partner- Stalking- Forced sexual contact- Abuse while pregnant- A stepchild of the abuser is living in the home
While the absence of the following signs does not necessarily rule out abuse, they should trigger urgent conversations with an appropriately trained advocate. In cases of current danger, the authorities should be called.
Responding to the Person Causing Harm
With the "undesirables" churches can be more direct and even firm. When the person harming is admired, powerful, influential or the church is uncomfortable taking the chance that they might be angry or retaliate, confronting them with or without survivors' support can be especially risky.
Churches should:
- Don't use church discipline to replace legal actions
- Never discourage a survivor from making a report.
- Avoid rushing forgiveness, reconciliation, or restoration
- Establish limits, which may involve individual services, groups, or restrictions from leading responsibilities.
- Direct the offending party towards professional intervention instead of only general counseling or anger control.
The safety of the survivor comes before the safety of the person being the cause of harm. If the individual responsible for causing harm is a church leader, survivor safety takes priority, and they should not be involved in leading a response.
Developing a "Ready" Church
A church does not need a huge budget to do the right thing, just a plan, as in place before it's needed.
A strong response policy should include:
- Point people who are trained to receive disclosures in a safe, confidential way
- Written policies defining what is confidential and the boundaries of confidentiality
- A list of referrals to local advocates, legal aid, counselors, and emergency contacts
- Secure record-keeping procedures with limited access
- For pastors, staff, and lay leaders
- Recognition by church members that abuse is wrong and that victims may look to church for help
Providing services in secure locations, such as bathrooms, allows survivors to make contact without risking their safety.
A Church Culture of Safety and Compassion
The church's role is not to probe, coerce, or be the primary decision maker. The church's role is to believe, protect, and walk with survivors, and connect people to the right help. By planning ahead, churches can be safe places for survivors, a place where they are believed, protected, and never left alone in their pain.
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